Hello!

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop #@*%!istant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

My current job #@*%! so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.